the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
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Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
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I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
A bitchslap is in order.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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