Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Ketchup is God's man juice
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
