Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
