The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Maybe he injected his testicle?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
