I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
So squirting runs in the family.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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