I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
