my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
