i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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