Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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