Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
