Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
