My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
