i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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