Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
