Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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