they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
