You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
