They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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