remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
