The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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