So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
