Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
