Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
