I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
All I want is dick and wine.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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