I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
