take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
this will be a night to untag.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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