i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
