stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
