She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
