and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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