Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
