You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
