Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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