my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
it's like iHOP with fire
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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