i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
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