New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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