Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
