I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
