If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
