Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
