I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
