I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
