You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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