hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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