Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
