Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
