When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
