Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
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I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
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I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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