I got chris browned last night
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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