his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
