Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
