You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
