i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
