Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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