I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
