right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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