is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
