Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
